The Wounds You Carry
by Angela On My Shoulder
Summary: Six months after 'Aliyah' and Ziva still hasn't returned. Tiva.
1. Six Months On

**Six months after 'Aliyah' and Ziva still hasn't returned.****Her absence has made a huge impact on the NCIS team, particularly Tony.**

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NCIS Agent Anthony DiNozzo was sitting at his desk, thinking. Today was the six month anniversary of Ziva David leaving NCIS, leaving him, for Mossad. The longest six months of his life. A few weeks ago, Tony had given up trying to make contact with her. After having every call answered with a dial tone, and every e-mail left unreplied. It was time he accepted the fact she was gone, and that she wasn't coming back. But still, his boss, Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs had not replaced her, hoping that she would realise where she belonged and returned.

The past six months had been quiet at NCIS. There was no independent Israeli woman sitting opposite him. No-one for him to flirt with. No-one to correct their English or idiomatic errors. Tony's co-worker, Timothy McGee had been spending more and more time down in the forensic scientist, Abby Scuito's lab since he and Gibbs had returned from Israel, without Ziva. So much to extent that he was down there more than he was up in the squadroom. Tony couldn't help but wonder whether McGee blamed him for Ziva's absence.

Tony felt alone, a feeling he hadn't experienced in a very long time. There was not a day that passed where he didn't regret killing Michael Rivkin. He spent every waking moment wondering 'What if?' If he hadn't killed him, would Ziva still be here? He repeatedly relived the regretful confrontation they had in Israel. When they discussed Rivkin. When Ziva knocked him to the ground. When she had him at gunpoint. He remembered the tears of anger, frustration and confusion threatening to fall from her dark brown eyes. He had asked her if she loved Rivkin. Her reply, "I guess I'll never know," forever etched in his mind.

Tony blamed himself; he lost a part of him when Gibbs entered the plane without Ziva. When Gibbs said "Good to go", it didn't quite register with Tony. It was only when he saw the looks on the rest of the team's faces that it really sunk in that Ziva was still in Israel, and that she wasn't coming back. Tony sighed, snapped himself out of his thoughts and began working on the pile of long overdue paperwork sitting on his desk.

---

Special Agent Gibbs walked into the squadroom for the morning, coffee in hand. He was the first one there as usual. He took a long sip of his beloved hot beverage and sat down at his desk, staring at his computer. Ziva's absence had taken a toll on his team. McGee wasn't talking to Tony much; DiNozzo was more serious, not making fun of McGee or making references to the movies he treasured. No smart-alec comments deserving of a headslap. Now that he thought about it, Gibbs hadn't hit any of his team members in six months. Ziva _had_ to return, he knew it without a doubt. That's why he hadn't replaced her with a new agent. He was waiting for to realise who she should be loyal to, and who's loyal to her, and come back to NCIS. He was surprised when his cell phone rang and broke the silence.

"Gibbs" he answered.

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	2. On a Mission

**Thanks to everyone who reviewed!  
Zakia (my NCIS-obsessed cowriter) and I are grateful.**

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Tony stepped out of the elevator and walked into the bullpen. McGee was sitting at his desk, typing away furiously on his keyboard. He dumped his bag under his desk and dropped his SIG and ID into the top drawer. Tony saw no point in saying 'good morning' to McGee. There was a major possibility he wouldn't reply, and it was not a good morning. It never was. Not for the past six months.

"Where's Gibbs?" he asked instead

"Director's office." McGee replied, not taking his eyes off the computer screen.

Tony was surprised he didn't require glasses, considering the amount of time he spent glued to a screen all day. The thought of McGee with glasses _almost_ made Tony smile. He then saw Gibbs walking down the stairs that led to the upper level, including Director Vance's office and MTAC. He had a bag, only just small enough not to qualify as a hike pack, slung over his shoulder. He walked quickly and looked as if he was in a hurry to get somewhere. He walked straight past Tony, not acknowledging his presence, and straight to his desk opposite McGee's. He retrieved his gun and ID from the drawer and clipped them both to his waistband, as well as a few extra objects that he packed into the bag.

"Morning Boss. Do we have a case? Should we be packing a toothbrush?" Tony decided to be straight with his question. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw McGee look up.

"You're not going anywhere, DiNozzo. Nor you, McGee." Gibbs replied, looking at both agents

"Then why do you look like you're about to go on an incredible mission?" Tony retorted, his voice containing the slightest hint of sarcasm

"I said _you're_ not going, DiNozzo. Doesn't mean I'm not."

His statement made Tony all the more curious. Gibbs was going somewhere without him or McGee. He had looked ready to leave for weeks now. Tony had to know what was going on, if he could help.

"Boss, what's going on?" McGee asked, the worry evident in his voice

"I got a call from Ziva."

Tony's jaw dropped. She hadn't replied to his calls or e-mail, and yet, she managed to call Gibbs?

"Is she okay? Does she want to come back to NCIS?" Tony said hopefully

"She's in trouble, DiNozzo. She was sent on a mission, it didn't go according to plan. He cover was blown."

"What are you going to do?" McGee asked

"Save her." Gibbs answered simply

Tony was stunned. Ziva never needed saving, _never_. Countless questions ran through his head. How much trouble could she be in? Was she injured? Where was she? What kind of mission was she on? Although he didn't know the answer to any of them, he could tell that they weren't pleasant.

"I'm coming with you, Boss." he spoke without thinking.

He had to help Ziva. She may hate him at the moment, but he couldn't help but think that this was all his fault.

Without waiting for a reply from Gibbs, he began gathering his things. Holstering his weapon and tucking his badge into his jacket pocket.

"You're not coming DiNozzo. I need my Senior Agent to take care of things back here." Gibbs' voice was stern, but caring.

"But-" Tony wasn't taking no for an answer

"No buts, DiNozzo." He cut him off, "I need you here. Besides, I owe Ziva."

Gibbs walked off, leaving Tony and McGee wondering. What did he mean when he said he owed her? It was a question that would have to wait.

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	3. A Double Return

**Again, thank-you to the reviewers.  
I would have updated earlier, except I had a teacher watching me.**

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It was two weeks after Gibbs had left, and there'd been no word from him. Tony was the agent in charge and Vance had temporarily assigned two agents to him- Special Agent Cassie Yates and NCIS Intel Analyst Nikki Jardine. Tony was beginning to get worried about the lack of communication. He could tell that whatever trouble Ziva was in, it was bad and she was in it deep. There had been only two cases over the two weeks. They were both open-and-shut cases, no twists, no turns. The killers confessed as soon as they were confronted with evidence. He was longing for Gibbs to return and resume his position of team leader.

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A week later Gibbs walked into the squadroom. The team were just working through paperwork when he arrived. McGee saw him first and stood up.

"Boss!" he half yelled

Tony, Cassie and Jardine all stood up and began to bombard him with questions. He was bruised and had some healing cuts and scratches, his eyes shadowed by large bags. But otherwise, he looked in decent shape.

"How was it?" McGee

"Did you get Ziva back?" Cassie

"Where did you go? What took you so long?" Jardine

"Where's Ziva?" Tony

Gibbs let out a piercing whistle, causing everyone to stop chattering, not just his team, but the whole room. He walked to his desk; put his gun, bag and ID away before turning to face the team.

"Ziva's coming back." He stated

McGee and Cassie had huge grins on their faces, even Jardine had a small smile. Tony, on the other hand, just stood there and took it all in. He slumped on the edge of his desk, half sitting and half leaning on it. He stared at his feet. Ziva was coming back, after almost seven months. Had she forgiven him? Forgotten about all that had happened between the two of them? Had she gotten over Rivkin's death? Tony's thoughts changed to how he'd react when he saw her. Would he be pleased? Yes, no doubt about it. What he was unsure of was whether he'd be able to deal with looking at her, without feeling all the pain that he inflicted upon her.

"When's she coming back?" McGee asked

Tony listened attentively to the answer

"Next week. I've given her a week off to recuperate. She'll be in next Monday." Gibbs sat down at his desk.

McGee rushed off to inform Abby, Ducky and Palmer that Gibbs had returned and the good news about Ziva. Cassie and Jardine were packing up their things and preparing to leave. Tony was about to sit down when Gibbs beckoned for him to talk to him. He grabbed his chair and wheeled it over to next to Gibbs. Tony assumed that Gibbs had picked up on his feelings when he didn't show the same joy as the others.

"Good to have you back, Boss." He said

"DiNozzo." Gibbs just looked at him

For the first time Tony could see something in his eyes, sympathy, compassion. He decided there was no point in hiding his thoughts.

"What happened to Ziva, Boss? Why is she coming back now?"

Gibbs took a deep breath

"Ziva was given a mission by her father. She was sent to Somalia to infiltrate an Al-Shabaab terrorist training camp. Her cover was blown, though. She was beaten and tortured for information on NCIS."

Tony's eyes widened in shock and worry. Gibbs avoided eye-contact and continued,

"She managed to call me using a cell phone she was able to get off one of the guards. I got one of the other agents to trace the call and got her location,"

"What did she say? How did she sound?"

"Not like Ziva. She had emotion. She asked for me to help." Recalling the phone call he received pained him, "I went and got her back. It was a dangerous mission, that's why it took two weeks. When I finally got to her I could hardly recognise her. She was badly beaten."

Tony felt a lump form in his throat, but let his boss continue.

"We fled Somalia and went back to Israel. We went straight to the Director of Mossad, he couldn't believe what had happened. Not that Ziva's cover was blown, but that she called me and not him or anyone else from Mossad. We had to stay in Israel for a week or so to sort things out with Ziva's father. She was angry with him. She told him that he had betrayed her, and that her allegiance was with NCIS now. He told her to get out of the country, and out of his life, so we left and flew into L.A. She was pretty distraught, so we stayed there for a few days. Both to relax and to take in everything that had happened. Then I came back and left her there, told her to have some time to herself before she returns to DC and work. I gave her a week and told her to report for duty bright an early on Monday morning."

Gibbs looked at Tony. He was staring at the ground, no doubt taking in what he just told him. But there was something on Tony's face that told Gibbs that there was something he wanted to ask.

"Did she mention me at all?" Tony asked, looking up

Gibbs sighed; it was the question he was expecting.

"No."

Tony's eyes showed pain as he looked back at his feet,

"But," he said, trying to make him feel better, "She had other things to worry about.

Tony just nodded.

"You can't blame yourself for everything that's happened to Ziva, DiNozzo. It's not your fault. She's always been an officer of Mossad. It's how she grew up. Her years of training were designed to prepare her for this. I'm sure if it was any other person they wouldn't have coped as well as she has." Gibbs stood up and left Tony sitting in the bullpen, just him and his thoughts.

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	4. Coffee for Two

**Thank you soo much for the reviews.  
It has done wonders for my self-esteem.  
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Monday came as quickly as anything. Tony wanted to get to work extra early that day. So he could be there waiting for Ziva to return. But first, he needed coffee. He walked into the near-empty coffee shop across from the Navy Yard.

"Hey," the barista said, "You're here early."

"Yeah," Tony said, "The usual, thanks. Plus a chai latte."

The barista looked up at Tony, slightly shocked. He recalled a conversation they had one morning, about seven months ago.

"_Hey." Tony said, not as cheerily as usual_

"_Good morning." the barista said, "One espresso and chai latte coming up"_

"_No latte."_

_He nodded and went about making the espresso_

"_Is Ziva sick?" he asked handing Tony the coffee_

"_You could say that." He said, paying and walking out._

Tony accepted the drinks from the barista and turned to leave. Halfway to the door he called back,

"And yes, she is." He said, sensing what was on the barista's mind.

---

Tony walked into the bullpen, stopped at Ziva's desk and placed the latte on it, next to the keyboard. He walked over to his desk and sat, sipping his coffee, waiting for someone, anyone, to arrive.

Gibbs was the next to turn up, also having stopped at the coffee shop. He looked at Ziva's desk then across to Tony's and flashed him an understanding smile. He walked over to his desk and sat down.

McGee and Abby were next in, arriving at the same time. Abby had been awaiting Ziva's return for seven months, ever since she saw them arrive back at NCIS without her. She came bounding out of the elevator, leaving McGee still exiting it. She ran up to Tony and Gibbs and hugged them both. She had hardly let go when she began bouncing around the bullpen saying repeatedly, "Ziva's coming back! Ziva's coming back!" Still sporting Caf-Pow and bag, and on one occasion, shrieking as she nearly spilled the drink. McGee was also looking a lot happier than he had in months.  
Ducky and Palmer arrived about ten minutes later. They remained upstairs without even going down to autopsy. They both pulled the chairs from the spare desks to the left of McGee's and sat underneath the plasma.

Everyone sat there in silence, eagerly counting the minutes to the long-awaited return of their favourite Israeli. Abby's eyes never moved from the elevator, jumping each time they opened, hoping that it was Ziva. Gibbs and Tony were the only ones not on edge. Gibbs was drinking his coffee and signing papers, Tony was absorbed in his own thoughts. He sat with his head in his hands as he thought about Ziva and her whole ordeal. The others didn't know what had happened to her, Gibbs had told him not to tell anyone. Abby's scream was an abrupt awakening from his thoughts.

"ZIVA!!!"

Abby rushed to the elevator and pulled Ziva into a hug that she had been building up for the entire seven months. Ziva returned the hug, though nowhere near as enthusiastically, a smile on her face.

"Good to see you too, Abby." She said with a little chuckle

Ziva walked into the bullpen and Ducky walked up to embrace her.

"We always knew you would return, my dear." Ducky said warmly, excitement in his voice.

Palmer too sounding joyful when he greeted her. Tony had stood up at his desk, not saying anything, just staring. She still looked like Ziva, apart from a small bandage above her eye covering up stitches, there was no evidence she had been beaten or tortured. Tony couldn't help but wonder what she was hiding beneath the makeup and clothing. Gibbs stood up from his desk and walked to in front of it and smiled at Ziva. She returned the gesture with a smile. The same smile that Tony hadn't seen in a very long time.

Ziva stopped in front of Tony's desk. Silence filled the squadroom. Tony didn't quite know what to say. The awkwardness and the six pairs of eyes boring into him, coupled with Ziva's look of unhappiness made him sweat. He read the look as her saying 'I haven't forgotten'. He cleared his throat and gave a feeble attempt at a smile,

"Good to have you back."

Ziva gave a small nod and Tony's eyes wandered to the floor. It almost broke his heart to see her in pain like that, especially when he caused it. He had much preferred it when she was with the others, smiling. Gibbs broke the uncomfortable silence,

"Okay, welcome's over. Get to work everyone."

Ducky and Palmer nodded, bid Ziva farewell and went down to autopsy. Abby was more reluctant,

"But Gibbs!" she whined, "It's Ziva's first day!"

"Abby, don't you have work to do?" he said, not an ounce of anger in his voice.

Abby nodded, hugged Ziva once again and slinked off to her lab. Ziva sat down at _her_ desk and turned her computer on. She noticed the coffee and grabbed it, the outside was still warm. She looked across at Tony who still had his head down; she gave a little smile and looked back at her computer screen.

McGee was staring at Ziva, a huge smile across his face that had been there since the moment she arrived. Tony had to get out of there. Gibbs had gone up to Vance's office and Tony could tell McGee was about to strike up a conversation with _his_ partner. He left swiftly for the men's room, muttering something about his whereabouts as he left.

---

He was pleased to see that he was alone in the bathroom. Tony looked in the mirror. This was the same bathroom Ziva had told him to let go of Jeanne when his cover was blown. He had told her that the heart wants what it wants, and she had replied that it shouldn't. He then made the _stupid_ move of bring up Roy Sanders. He immediately regretted bringing him up as he saw the look on her face. He splashed cold water on his face, bringing himself back to reality. He had to talk to Ziva; about what it was she wanted from him. But he couldn't seem to bring himself to have a meaningful conversation with her after what had gone down in Israel. Tony dried his face with a paper towel and left the bathroom.

---

When he returned to his desk, Gibbs had also returned, and Tony wanted to go home. Think all of this through. He didn't want to ask Gibbs if he could call it a day in front of McGee and Ziva. Sitting at his desk he got out his cell phone and entered 'Permission to go home for the day?' He keyed in Gibbs' number and pressed the send button. He waited anxiously for a reply. He looked up at his boss and Gibbs nodded. Tony gave him a thank-you smile and picked up his bag, gun and badge. Ziva was working on her computer and McGee was doing paperwork, neither of them had noticed him stand up.

"I'm calling it a day. See you tomorrow," Ziva looked up at him when he said this.

He gave her a small smile before walking to the elevator and entering it after a very long day.

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**Do I need to ask still?  
****(sorry if that sounds rude.)  
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	5. The Talk they Needed to Have

**Thank-you soo much reviewers!  
I ran out of orignal things to say here.  
Sorry that this chapter's so long, but it's worth it.**** Trust me. ^^  
**

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Four days had passed since Ziva's return, and work was still slow. There were no new cases, so Gibbs had them doing paperwork. Tony was surprised that there was still paperwork to do, seeing how much they'd done in recent weeks. He had made no progress on things with Ziva; she still wasn't talking to him unless it was regarding work. Things were just as awkward. There was many an occasion when he wanted to tell her what was on his mind, but he always decided against it. He had gotten close once, when they were the only two in the bullpen.

"_Hey, Ziva?" he began._

_Surprised, she looked up._

"_Yes, Tony?"_

_Tony couldn't do it. He couldn't ask her. What if he made things worse between them? If that was even possible. He just couldn't take that chance._

"_Oh, nothing, don't worry. I've worked it out." He replied as if it was to do with what they were doing._

Since then, they'd hardly spoken unless it was absolutely necessary. If it was to do with the work they were doing, they'd ask McGee.

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It was late on a Thursday afternoon and Tony needed to get away from the office. He stood up and announced his leaving,

"I'm going to get coffee. Anyone want anything?" Gibbs raised his hand as he worked away

"Me, thanks, Tony." McGee said

He walked into the elevator and waited patiently for it to arrive at his floor. When the doors opened he stepped in, walked to the back wall and slumped against it. The doors were about to fully close when a hand shot in. He stood up immediately and put his hand on his gun, ready to draw. Tony relaxed when the doors fully opened to reveal Ziva standing there. She stepped into the elevator and waited for the doors to close. When they met, she casually flicked the emergency switch and stood, facing her partner.

"I have been getting the feeling that there is something you wish to ask me, Tony." She said, trying to sound like her old self, but still unable to look him in the eye.

"You were gone for seven months." Tony replied

He was relieved that they were finally having this conversation, but showed no outward signs of his feelings.

"Yes." She said simply, hoping that would be the end of it, but knowing that it was just the beginning

"I tried calling you."

She looked him in the eye

"I had to change my cell phone number. Father's orders." She looked away at the last words

"What about the e-mails?"

Tony suddenly realised what he had been feeling- anger. Anger at Ziva for not replying and leaving him in the dark. Anger at himself for causing her to suffer so much pain.

"My father did not permit me to have any contact with the old me." She looked up again, but not meeting his gaze.

They were silent for awhile. Both just standing there. Tony was first to speak again.

"Are you still made at me for killing Rivkin?"

The question was simple, but Ziva took her time. She didn't know the answer to her partner's question. Deep down, she knew that everything she had been told by Tony about the incident was the truth. However, she still wanted answers. Answers to the questions she'd been mulling over for seven months, since they fought in Israel.

"When we were in Israel." She avoided answering him, "When you said you jeopardised you entire career for me, did you mean it?" she looked into his deep, green eyes. But soon looked away again.

Tony was surprised by the question, but it was an easy one for him to answer.

"Of course. You're my partner, I had to protect you. From Rivkin. From yourself." his voiced dropped when he said the last sentence, "He was playing you."

Ziva nodded, taking Tony by surprised"That, I know now. I was sent to Somalia by my father to finish what Michael had started. He-"she went to explain but Tony cut her off.

"I know. Gibbs told me everything" he didn't want to see her have to recount all she experienced

Ziva looked directly into his eyes; she was furiously blinking back tears.

"Did he tell you about my father? About how he reacted when I returned to Israel?" she was starting to sound angry, "What he did to me?"

Tony cautiously took a step closer.

"He hit me. Slapped me right across the face. His own daughter!"

His head didn't quite know what to say, but somehow his heart did the talking instead.

"Ziva, you don't need Mossad or your father. We're you family, here at NCIS. We're the ones who care about you." He stopped to give Ziva the chance to say anything. When she didn't, he continued speaking, "When you didn't come back, it wasn't the same. For half a year McGee barely spoke to me, I didn't get a chance to make up any new nicknames for him." He swore he saw her smile a little, "Gibbs didn't slap me. Hell, I didn't give him reason to. Work was just no fun."

Ziva still remained silent. Tony begged for her to say something, anything. Finally, she did,

"In Israel, I was mad at you. I hated you. I thought you had killed Michael because, well, honestly, I thought you were just jealous. I was confused; things just weren't going right for me. I had been betrayed by Mossad, by Hadar, by my own father, by you." A single tear fell from her eye, but she wiped it away swiftly, "I did not know who I could trust, or who to be loyal to. Who was loyal to me. I felt alone. A feeling I had not felt since I joined NCIS and met you all."

Tony's heart broke. She looked so upset. He imagined these feelings gathering inside of her over the past seven months. He wanted to comfort her, to touch her. But she wasn't finished talking, and he knew that she needed to get all of this out.

"The torture... was worse than anything you could imagine." She struggled to continue.

She pulled up her sleeve to reveal two deep scars, about five centimetres apart, on her forearm. Tony's jaw dropped.

"Ziva." He said softly, putting his hand out to touch them, but she pulled away.

"Cattle prod." She pulled her sleeve back down, "But no matter how much pain I was in, I did not give them a single detail. One of the guards left his cell phone where they were holding me. I used it to call Gibbs."

Tony didn't say anything, but Ziva knew what was on his mind.

"I did not call you because I was still angry at you. I knew I could trust Gibbs. And I _knew_ he would come."

"How could you have been so sure, Ziva? You betrayed him." He hadn't meant to sound so harsh

"Because I saved his life once before. He was repaying the favour."

"Ziva? What do you mean? What do you mean you saved him?"

"Four years ago, after Ari killed Kate; Gibbs told me that he was meeting him in his basement. He had asked me to back him up if needed. I waited at the top of the stairs, listening to Ari confessing to killing Kate, and being involved with terrorists. I could hardly believe my ears. Before I knew it, Ari had a gun on Gibbs. And I... I shot him. I shot Ari."

Tony pulled her into a hug, and to both of their surprise she embraced the human contact. Ziva buried her head into Tony's chest and sobbed quietly. They stood there for God knows how long, and Tony just thought.

Ziva had always been so tough, externally at least. On the inside, no-one really knew what went on in there. Surely Ziva had been through traumatic experiences back in Israel. She's even had her fair share here. And he'd never seen her break down like this. Maybe killing her own brother was just too much? Maybe the events of recent times had softened her up? Whatever the reason, Tony could tell that Ziva needed this; she needed to be able to open up.

"Look at me, Ziva."

He gently pulled her off of him and looked her directly in the eye. All the anger he had felt before had been demolished. She had stopped crying, but her eyes were red and puffy and she had makeup running down her face. Tony handed her a tissue and spoke,

"I know this might sound severe, but you can't hold onto the past. You're family's here. We're the people who care for you and love you and need you. _I_ need you."

Ziva looked up, startled slightly.

"I have not had an easy life, by any means." She said, "First Tali and then Ari, and now my father. But when I came to America, to NCIS, I felt as if I belonged. I felt something I never felt before, I felt love. I love the people I've met here. And I love how I can live here and not worry about every little detail. Here I can live my life how I want to live it. Be with whomever I wish without my father intervening, maybe start a family." She looked up at Tony as she said this, "And I know my child will not have to grow up in fear like I did. They would not have to witness their siblings or friends being maimed by suicide bombers, or shot and killed by rogue gunmen. Or be forced into doing things that they do not wish to do. They could be _normal_."

Tony just stood there listening; he was amazed at how much she had opened up. She was just as surprised as him. Then, for the first time in over seven months, she smiled at him. A genuine, happy smile that indicated to Tony that all was forgiven.

Tony flicked the elevator back on and stood against the wall, Ziva stood next to him and they remained silent until the elevator reached the ground floor when Ziva turned to face him. She leant and whispered into his ear,

"Thank-you, Tony."

She kissed him on the cheek and walked out of the elevator into the sunshine.

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- Zakia and Angela (or, as Zakia likes to call me, Tony)**

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